Category Archives: Faith Community

When to Say Yes and How to Say No – Creating Healthy Boundaries

Caregivers are a unique group of people.  Naturally nurturing and compassionate, such empathetic traits can also lead to complex challenges.  Creating healthy boundaries is especially tough when you are the type of person that wants to help.  Learning when to say yes and how to say no is essential for caregivers to stay physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy.

Before I jump into my tips, tools, and suggestions, I’d like to share a story.   It relates to boundary setting and caregivers who merely do too much for their well-being.  For the sake of anonymity, I’ll refer to this person as Susan, whom I met with over the course of several years while facilitating a caregiver support group many years ago.  Susan’s mom, Jean, lived in her own home about 20 miles from Susan.  Jean’s husband had passed away five years earlier, and Jean never dealt with her grief and worked through the healing process. Her husband’s death left Jean depressed and angry.  She no longer socialized with friends and extended family, was not keeping up with responsibilities of home ownership, and was not addressing  her  health issues.  Jean was showing signs of cognitive decline.

Susan, who was her primary caregiver, had a demanding job which required some travel and many hours. She had talked to her mom many times about moving to a senior community, where she would not have the responsibilities of keeping up her house and would once again be able to enjoy the company of others.  Jean would not hear of it.

Instead, Jean relied solely on Susan to take care of home repairs and expected Susan to visit during the week and spend almost every Saturday with her.  Susan’s marriage was suffering, as her husband felt as if her mom had taken over their life.

Susan loved her mother but knew that she was collapsing from the weight of being everything to her. She knew that as long as her mom refused to move into a care community, that the situation was only going to become more overwhelming.

When we discussed boundaries, Susan broke down in tears.  She had read about the importance of creating healthy boundaries in relationships, and especially when one is caregiving for an older adult.  She didn’t know how to solve the problems she had with her mother.

Creating healthy boundaries allow us to take care of ourselves first so that we can enjoy healthy relationships with others.  When caregiving, it is especially important to step back and ask the following questions regularly:

  •  When I say “yes” to something that has been asked of me, how does it make me feel?  In other words, is saying yes causing stress or feelings of anxiety? If so, this is a sign that perhaps you are saying ‘yes’ to requests that you should be instead learning how to say ‘no’.
  • By saying ‘yes,’ what are you giving up? Is it time away from others that you love or maybe time away from being with yourself doing such things as reading, meeting with friends, exercising or other activities that you find joy in doing?
  • Does a “yes” put me in a position of having to choose between people whom I love and care for and does it make me feel conflicted?
  • What would happen if I say NO? Think about the consequences (or choices) that would have to be made?  Are you willing to lovingly say ‘no’ even though it may cause hurt feelings?  (I hope the answer to that is a YES!)

Creating healthy boundaries is not easy, and in fact, may cause hurt feelings.  It’s also essential to preserving your health and well-being. Caregivers cannot be all things to all people, no matter what the circumstance.  Moreover, if you continually say ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no’ it will inevitably lead to enormous resentment with the person for whom you are caring.

During our time together, Susan did help her mom through the move to a senior care community.  Her mom wasn’t happy and continually played with Susan’s emotions by making her feel guilty for not being there as often and saying that she hated the food and they she hadn’t made friends.  Surprisingly (or not so!) when Susan talked with the staff, they told Jean seemed to enjoy many activities and ate at almost every meal. They did not see an unhappy resident.

With coaching, Susan was able to lose some of her guilt, spend more time with her husband, and learned to set boundaries when her mother tried to break down the fence.  After a fairly rough three months, Jean has acclimated to her new home, Susan and her husband have taken a trip, and Susan even learned how to set boundaries with her job!

Creating healthy boundaries is not easy, but it is essential and will be one of the best gifts you can give yourself and those whom you love.

Pam Brandon is President/Founder of AGE-u-cate® Training Institute and a passionate advocate for older adults and those who serve them.  She is the creator of the internationally recognized Dementia Live® simulation and empathy training program;  pam@ageucate.com

The Family Caregiving Tsunami is Here. How are We Supporting Them?

We have a family caregiving tsunami whose tidal waves are affecting every corner of our society.  I venture to say that most communities are not prepared for the domino effects of a fast-aging population let along to provide support to their families that are scrambling to stay above water – emotionally, physically and financially.

November is National Family Caregivers Month.  Spearheaded by the Caregiver Action Network, the theme is Caregiving Around the Clock.  

As I travel abroad, I certainly see first hand that the challenges in the US are felt around the globe as this age-wave takes hold.  Public institutions are already stretched to serve current needs and despite the growth of

Let’s look at a few staggering US statistics compiled by the Family Caregiver Alliance:

  • Approximately 43.5 million caregivers have provided unpaid care to an adult or child in the last 12 months. [National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP. (2015). Caregiving in the U.S.]
  • About 34.2 million Americans have provided unpaid care to an adult age 50 or older in the last 12 months. [National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP. (2015). Caregiving in the U.S.]
  • The majority of caregivers (82%) care for one other adult, while 15% care for 2 adults, and 3% for 3 or more adults. [National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP. (2015). Caregiving in the U.S.]
  • Approximately 39.8 million caregivers provide care to adults (aged 18+) with a disability or illness or 16.6% of Americans. [Coughlin, J. (2010). Estimating the Impact of Caregiving and Employment on Well-Being: Outcomes & Insights in Health Management.]
  • About 15.7 million adult family caregivers care for someone who has Alzheimer’s disease or other dementia. [Alzheimer’s Association. (2015). 2015 Alzheimer’s Disease Facts and Figures.]

What is the Economic Impact?  

  • The value of services provided by informal caregivers has steadily increased over the last decade, with an estimated economic value of $470 billion in 2013, up from $450 billion in 2009 and $375 billion in 2007. [AARP Public Policy Institute. (2015). Valuing the Invaluable: 2015 Update.]
  • At $470 billion in 2013, the value of unpaid caregiving exceeded the value of paid home care and total Medicaid spending in the same year and nearly matched the value of the sales of the world’s largest company, Wal-Mart ($477 billion). [AARP Public Policy Institute. (2015). Valuing the Invaluable: 2015 Update.]
  • The economic value of the care provided by unpaid caregivers of those with Alzheimer’s disease or other dementias was $217.7 billion in 2014. [Alzheimer’s Association. (2015). 2015 Alzheimer’s Disease Facts and Figures.]

The clock never stops for family caregivers, and globally the clock is ticking for public and private institutions, community organizations, faith communities and each one of us in this space to make a committment-  that in 2019 we do more to reach family caregivers, provide support services and needed resources.  They are and will remain the largest group support our aging population in the years ahead.

Pam Brandon is President/Founder of AGE-u-cate® Training Institute and a passionate advocate for older adults and those who serve them.

“Remember This” Changes the Conversation about Dementia

Dementia Friendly Fort Worth recently sponsored Remember This, a participatory performance experience by the Texas Tech University School of Theatre and Dance.  Created and produced by Dr. Tyler Davis, Genevieve Durham DeCesaro, Rachel Hirshorn-Johnston, and Dr. Annette Sobel,  Remember This is about changing the conversation about dementia.

Remember This is poignant, inspiring, humorous and creative.  

Remember This is designed to spotlight conversations about and perceptions of dementia by using a myriad of performance approaches, including dance, improv comedy, and scripted theatre taken directly from interviews with people living with and around the disease.

The creators worked to research and publicize the humanity, as opposed to solely the tragedy of the disease, by approaching it as a set of interwoven stories.  Remember This is designed to promote a larger and louder public conversation about people living with dementia as well as the communities (e.g. caregivers, families, community business owners, hospitals, etc.) who care for and serve them.

The creative ensemble that performed, several who had loved ones with dementia, was simply an amazing work of art.  Hats off to the visionaries, researchers,  and creative minds of Remember This.  Having young people share in the dialogue is expanding the generational reach of dementia.

Thank you to Dementia Friendly America, of which Dementia Friendly Fort Worth is a part of, Alzheimer’s Association and many others who are changing the conversation to the broader public about dementia – how to better understand dementia,  openly accept persons living with dementia as vital members of the community, and to help those caring for persons with dementia.  And finally, to provide more funding for training, support, resources, and research – all urgently needed to meet the fast-growing numbers of persons living with dementia and those caring for them,  in the U.S. and throughout the world.

Pam Brandon is President/Founder of AGE-u-cate Training Institute and a passionate advocate for older adults and those who serve them.  Pam is the creator of the internationally acclaimed Dementia Live® simulation and awareness training program.

 

Can we Age Well through the Challenges of Aging?

Until a miracle cure is found to stop, reverse or drastically slow down the aging process,  the news flash of the day is that we will all leave this earth someday.  In our anti-aging driven society of wrinkle reducers and body re-shaping, the fact is that all of us are, shall I say it – AGING!  The question is not that we are aging, but can we age well through the challenges of aging?

Unlike what many marketers would have us believe, aging is not a disease.  Normal aging is associated with changes, some of these being:

  • Vision – decreased depth perception and ability to distinguish dark colors.  Often this includes decreased night vision.
  • Hearing – loss is gradual;  in the 65 – 74 age group 25% hearing loss is average, with men experiencing more than women.
  • Smell – by age 80, 40% of older adults may experience changes in ability to smell.
  • Touch – the number of nerve receptors in skin decrease and difficulty in the ability to discriminate temperature increases with age.
  • Psychosocial – memory and reaction time typically being to decline at about the age of 70, leading to slower response time, decreased reflexes in the feet and learning time takes longer.

These age-related changes can be challenging, especially if we don’t accept these as a reality of normal aging.  For instance, vision changes require that we see our eye doctor on a regular basis so that symptoms such as cataracts can be corrected.  Hearing loss can be treated with hearing aids.

Other changes are more complex which can be related to a number of chronic illnesses, such as diabetes, medications, and dementia.  The “snowball” effect of age-related changes such as falling, depression, memory loss, loss of peripheral vision, weight loss, for example, is not a normal part of aging and needs to be addressed in order to age well.

To age well we:

  1. Must accept the normal changes taking place as we age
  2. Address these changes with regular health care visits
  3. Understand that an unhealthy lifestyle such as lack of physical exercise, unhealthy eating, over-consumption of alcohol, drug or medication misuse,  and lack of social interactions will have a domino effect on normal aging.

Age is the greatest factor in developing Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease and other neurological symptoms, heart disease and other chronic illness.  For the 78 million boomers marching toward old age who want to age well, the best first step is to realize that you have the ability to choose if this will be your course of action.  To age well, we must take on the aging challenges intentionally.  Not by ignoring that we are aging, or allowing ourselves to wallow in the woes of aching joints.

“Know that you are a perfect age.  Each year is special and precious, for you shall only live it once.  Be comfortable with growing older.”                              ….Louise Hay

Pam Brandon is President/Founder of AGE-u-cate Training Institute and a passionate advocate for older adults and those who serve them.  She is the creator of the internationally acclaimed Dementia Live Simulation program.  She may be contacted at pam@ageucate.com

www.AGEucate.com