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Gifts of the Season: The Best Ones Keep On Giving

It happened every year during the holiday season. My classmates and I would dress up in our coats, hats, and gloves, with gifts in hand. We would walk down the street to the nearby nursing home. When we arrived, we were put into a room with residents and staff members.

In that room, we sang songs and handed out our gifts. Mainly, we had bananas, lotion, and socks. It was somewhat terrifying at first, to see people who were in various states of alertness. Some residents were either happy, silent, or appeared angry.

How Are We Now?

It’s been a few years since I went with my classmates to visit that nursing home. In the time since then, I have had two close family members live out their remaining years in a long-term care community. I have also worked with older adults in all phases of activity and health levels.

In that time, I have come to believe and know that all older adults are not the same. As a matter of fact, we become less alike as we age, due to life experiences. We have different strengths, abilities, and interests.

The COVID-19 Policies and Effects

The effects of COVID-19 go beyond social distancing and social isolation. In the policies and procedures to prevent COVID-19 from spreading, nursing home residents have been quarantined. Isolating older adults in long term care may keep them protected, but not necessarily healthier. It may be seen as needing to keep older adults isolated and hidden away.

Without having a realistic perspective on aging, it might seem perfectly fine to isolate older adults, with the same treatment for all. The alternative of not implementing safety measures likely seems worse. We should work on remembering and honoring older adults, having a realistic view of their needs, and addressing those needs. Safety should not come at the expense of mental health.

Giving the Gift of Caring

Long term care workers have been working to care for their residents. They have been implementing the COVID-19 protection procedures and policies. They continue to do their best despite seeing the effects. Even when I was visiting residents as part of a class project years ago, it was obvious the direct care workers were caring and supportive. We gave them gifts but the workers helped add life to their days. The workers in long term care these days continue to do that. Let us continue to support both long term care residents and direct care workers as we endure this COVID-19 pandemic.

Kathy Dreyer, Ph.D., is an Advisor at AGE-u-cate® Training Institute, which develops and delivers innovative research-based aging and dementia training programs such as Dementia Live® and Compassionate Touch®, for professional and family caregivers; kathy.dreyer@ageucate.com

Gratitude Now: Are You Feeling Half Full or Half Empty?

This week we celebrate Thanksgiving. It is the time for gratitude. Typically, we take a moment to consider the blessings we have. This year has been memorable in a lot of ways. Finding reasons to be grateful depends on your perspective.

Half Full or Half Empty?

If you are a “glass is half full” person, it may be more of a challenge to be grateful.  And this year has plenty of reasons to feel less than grateful. Not that anyone needs a reminder, but COVID-19 has been difficult to say the least. The continued effects of the quarantine are more than burdensome. For those who work in health care and long-term care, the challenges continue.

If you are a “glass is half full” person, it may be easier to find good things in this year. There have been some acts of kindness and moments of grace that might not have been possible without COVID-19. Stories of people showing gratitude to health care and long-term care workers have been publicized. There are videos of acts of COVID 19 kindness online.

It is important to remember that it is not if the glass is half full or half empty. We need to remember that the glass can be refilled. It is possible to keep going in this time of quarantine. We have choices on how we respond. Being grateful for the little things is important.

Thinking Of Gratitude

Anne Lamott provided some beautiful thoughts on gratitude: “Gratitude begins in our hearts and then dovetails into behavior. It almost always makes you willing to be of service, which is where the joy resides.” In a year when it may be easier to feel ungrateful, let us think of who we are grateful for.

We are grateful for those who continue to work long hours and multiple shifts to care for others. Also, those who sacrifice their personal lives to support others deserve our gratitude. Thank you to those who relentlessly serve and do so willingly.  They deserve our thanks. They deserve our gratitude at any time of year, and in every year.

Kathy Dreyer, Ph.D., is an Advisor at AGE-u-cate® Training Institute, which develops and delivers innovative research-based aging and dementia training programs such as Dementia Live® and Compassionate Touch®, for professional and family caregivers; kathy.dreyer@ageucate.com

Grief During the Holiday Season: Making It Through

This year has been a challenging one to say the least. Grief over lost time with loved ones in long-term care is understandable. Also, not being able to say goodbye to a loved one due to quarantine restrictions certainly causes pain and anguish. The holiday season can amplify these feelings.

Making It Through

It may seem that the holidays are a time to survive, not enjoy. The sounds that accompany the holidays, including songs and bells ringing, can help or hinder. Sometimes it may feel helpful to have all of the distractions that the holidays bring. In other ways, it makes the loss of a loved one more obvious.

In getting through the holidays while grieving, there are some important things to consider. How many social appointments do you have to keep? Give yourself permission to stay home if that helps. Keep in mind that there may be friends and family members who do not understand your grief. There may be those who cannot handle your grief. Attending events with a friend who can support you can help.

What to Expect

You might experience unexpected moments of grief. Remember that grief does not resolve itself in a linear way. Even if there has been several months since your loss, grief can emerge unexpectedly. Be kind to yourself if or when this happens.

If possible, talk to your family members about ways to acknowledge the loved one during the holidays. Be patient with them as they encounter grief. They might not be willing to acknowledge the loss. Remember that we all grieve and recover in our own ways.

Even though it has been several years since my mother died, I still miss her and grieve her loss. I have my own ways to acknowledge her. During the holidays, I typically buy a package of her favorite holiday candy. Just having it in the house helps me remember her. Despite how strange that may sound, it brings me comfort. Once you give yourself permission to grieve and honor loved ones in your own way, you can help the healing process.

Kathy Dreyer, Ph.D., is an Advisor at AGE-u-cate® Training Institute, which develops and delivers innovative research-based aging and dementia training programs such as Dementia Live® and Compassionate Touch®, for professional and family caregivers; kathy.dreyer@ageucate.com

Dementia and the Holidays: Managing Celebrations and Expectations

It’s that time of year again. The holiday and the accompanying celebrations are nearly upon us. Christmas is already up in most stores, just after Halloween. Thanksgiving is a little over two weeks away.

What’s the Plan?

After everything that has happened this year, we are in need of security and routine. The holidays are an opportunity to celebrate. It is a time for being with family and friends. Unfortunately, celebrating the holidays will take a little more planning and patience. That is especially true for those who have a family member with dementia.

First Things First

First and foremost, think of your energy level, especially if the holidays happen at your house. Keep celebrations to a minimum if you are feeling exhausted, and who wouldn’t be. Make it easy on yourself. If you are feeling up to more, do what you can.

Also, manage your expectations of others. Your family members may not feel up to having a huge party. They may be depressed, tired, and frustrated for a lot of reasons.

Helping Out

If someone in your family typically hosts the holidays, offer to help where you can. Also, let them know they are doing the best they can. Additionally, encourage them to downsize wherever possible.

Dementia and the Holidays

If your loved one has dementia and is in a long-term care community, visiting outside may be the only option. Find one activity that is meaningful and easy to do. For example, would looking at pictures be helpful? How about listening to holiday music? Reminiscing about previous holidays may be helpful.

For a family member with dementia who lives at home, minimizing visits and activities is beneficial. They may be frustrated with too many people being around. Trying to interact and remember faces can be stressful. Again, keep it simple for your loved one and yourself.

Above All, Enjoy

Most importantly, remember that the holidays may be challenging for your loved one with dementia and you. Do not expect too much. Find support from those who understand.

Take care of your loved one and yourself. Keep breathing and do the best you can. Enjoying the holidays will help your loved one enjoy the holidays, too.

Kathy Dreyer, Ph.D., is an Advisor at AGE-u-cate® Training Institute, which develops and delivers innovative research-based aging and dementia training programs such as Dementia Live® and Compassionate Touch®, for professional and family caregivers; kathy.dreyer@ageucate.com